DOING IT RIGHT : The Life of a Hockey Wife AMANDA ELLIOTT

Every once in a while, we become stagnant. Do we check in with ourselves? Do we re-evaluate whether we are doing this life right? I’ll tell you this for free, ‘doing it right’ does not have a definition. It’s intrinsic. Not governed by any other person. Nowadays it seems we live through the grind of either everyday mundanity or competition, often without even succumbing to the realization of this routine or obsession. We just file through. We become ok with it…we don’t all have that innate force inside us that tells us what to do when we realize something is lacking. And if you are like me, you might just shut down when you harbor feelings as such. And in the hockey world, sometimes we – hockey wives- have to wait until the dust settles of the past season, or trade, or injury, or the birth of a child to actually put ourselves in the forefront.

Sometimes we read for inspiration, sometimes we scroll for motivation, sometimes we volunteer to fill a void, sometimes we compare for self-loathing and sometimes we blame circumstance and yield to those roadblocks. The constant yellow light at intersections of stagnancy and action can either hold us back or take the wheel and drive into the life of living with a full tank. Circumstance Schmircumstance. This month’s hockey wife is a woman of heart, loyalty, pride, and push. Regardless of circumstance, the cream rises to the top with this trailblazing mother, wife, philanthropist and goal digger. As I swiftly transitioned into the Pro Hockey world, I have learned many great (hockey) life lessons from this woman…

When we know ourselves and accept ourselves we know our capabilities. We know our breaking points. We begin to know what we want even in the midst of change, of limited choice, of interruption and of growth. This month’s feature hockey wife is no exception to this philosophy. Getting to know Amanda Elliott has been a breath of fresh air.

“Just be yourself. Listen to yourself.  Love yourself.  Don’t feel pressured to have it all at once.” ~A.E.

On a campus of over 40,000 students at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, Amanda stood out.  Every Tuesday on campus, she proudly donned her Air Force Reserve Officers Training Corps (ROTC) uniform and went to classes. She would pass a young man, from Newmarket, Ontario,  on campus or in class often, but the two never spoke. It wasn’t until the end of that school semester that she listened to a pencil roll from the top row of the lecture hall, rolling, rolling, rolling until it stopped right at her feet. “He must have seen me look down at it because he whisper-shouted to throw it back to him. So I threw it back.” This scene of kismet-fate must have given Brian Elliott the courage he needed to speak to this lady in uniform because at the end of class, he met Amanda at the end of her row and asked if they could study together for finals…

“Aim High, Fly-Fight-Win”

Upon her graduation in 2007, Amanda earned herself a B.A. in International Relations & Political Science. And on that day of her graduation, Amanda was commissioned as an officer in the U.S. Air Force and began active duty one month later. She started training in Alabama, then pursued Intelligence Officer training for 9 months in San Angelo, TX, until she received her assignment to Grand Forks, ND. The life of travel didn’t seem to bother Amanda. It was as if she was destined for a life of wander…but with intention.

From there Amanda was deployed twice; to Qatar and Kyrgyzstan. As a person who fears the unknown, I had to wonder how she felt about being deployed overseas in unfamiliar territory. “As an Intelligence officer, you are trained to be a threat expert.  I did a lot of research and a lot of briefings.  When I was deployed, it was mainly doing pre- and post- aircrew mission briefings, then briefing the Wing Leadership weekly on force protection and any other mission relevant issues.”  It takes a truly special and brave person to serve their country.

Taking a snapshot of the U.S Air Force, there are 318,057  on active duty as of 2017 demographics. And of those 318,057 officers and enlistees, 19.9% are women. I asked Amanda about her perspective on the whole gender piece of military banter. Confidently, she shares, “It may sound funny, but I didn’t really think about that.  I was just proud to be in the Air Force.  The Air Force has the highest percentage of women in service, about 20%, and in the Intelligence career field the ratio is even higher; so I was around other women.”

In retrospect, curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to know how Amanda was treated by the opposing sex during her service with the Air Force. She divulged that even in her position as an officer, she was, let’s say…challenged. “Being an officer, you automatically outrank 80% of the military.  So, I think that is a drastically different experience as a woman versus if I just enlisted.”

“There were times, during Intel school training specifically, when I felt as if I was being judged or evaluated more harshly because I was a woman and looked a certain way. It was like they were trying to prove something, like they weren’t going to go easy on me because I was a woman, so they went harder on me than everyone else. That wasn’t fun. But that’s my perspective.” ~A.E.

I give this woman insane amounts of kudos for her service. Amanda served on active duty from 2007-2011. And her commitment to the Air Force officially ended in 2015. Her rank when she left service was that of Captain. A born leader. But Amanda wasn’t finished there…

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder…

Now, what about that boy we heard about back in 2007? Much like hockey, the military is quite unforgiving on when and where you may be living/working. Nevertheless ending her tenure with the United States Air Force was, “Bittersweet.  I was so done with long-distance with Brian.  We were so ready to be married, to be together and start our own family.” Needless to say, their collegiate romance continued after the infamous pencil roll heard ’round the world…or at least the lecture hall.

Brian and Amanda were married on July 9, 2011, in Madison, WI, where Amanda was born and raised. Being a football state, Amanda didn’t follow hockey and only saw a few games during college. Unbeknownst to her, Brian lived between the pipes. The nomad life continued for the Elliotts as Brian has played for 3 teams since their summer nuptials. St Louis – 5 years; Calgary – 1 year; and currently in Philadelphia on a 2-year deal.

That Hockey Mom Life

The road schedule can be a lot to handle for a spouse, especially when you are used to be surrounded by people. About two months after Amanda and Brian tied the knot, they welcomed their first baby…fur baby that is. A spritely golden-doodle they called Tug. “He was a great training project/distraction for me that first year as a hockey wife.” Project, company, guard dog…the power of an animal to a hockey wife is irreplaceable.

With potential moves looming at the crux of every contract or deadline, life can get a bit tricky. Amanda confesses, “That has been hard sometimes.  Brian and I were both saying, it’s like an identity crisis a bit. When we were in St Louis we were the young, fun couple.  We still think we are like that; we’re the same people. But, now we’re the old couple with kids on this new team.” And insert the newest member of the Elliott clan, Owen Daniel. Owen is 19 months old now and watching his personality develop is the greatest joy for Mommy and Daddy Elliott. But a new babe isn’t the easiest transition to manage either…”When Owen was born it was hard for us. It was training camp that first week so Brian was gone so much.  I was home alone with a newborn and my dog, and breastfeeding was really hard the first 2 weeks until we fixed Owen’s tongue tie.  So it was just really stressful.” In addition to general parental stresses, this was a new team, new coach, new everything so Amanda quips in hindsight,  “it was like a perfect storm.”

I never really met any hockey moms that talked about how hard the first couple weeks/months with a newborn can be.  Now maybe that’s because they all just loved it that much. Or if it’s just “everything is perfect” in hockey world mentality.

In retrospect, Motherhood is one of the greatest joys a woman can have. But often, connecting with that independent woman you were before kids becomes a bit more complicated. For those who may believe that living the hockey life is easy or full of glamour…you are mistaken. A night out for a hockey-wife-mom IS game night. Confirming this theory Amanda says, “And since we have a little one it’s harder for those impromptu get-togethers, dinners, drinks, etc.  Even just going to games. I’m in the “my-kid-stays-home-for-night-games-to-get-sleep-and-mom-gets-a-night-off” school of Mom thoughts. It takes longer for people to get to know you better.  Which is hard when you could only potentially be there for 2 years.”

“Philly is a much younger team.  We’re one of 5 people that have kids. But they do have a kids room with babysitting every game which is amazing!  They have an “Orange Book” which is a recommendations book of pretty much everything you need to know when moving to a new team—every team doesn’t have one, but they should!” 

Home, Sweet, Home.

The hockey life doesn’t often give you the opportunity to find your “forever home” but just this past summer, Brian and Amanda made their decision. They are in the process of building their dream home on Lake Mendota, WI. “We’ve made up our minds to start our post-hockey lives in Madison, so we’re pretty excited about that, it’s a great place to raise kids. We’ve got a lot of connections there, Brian just got inducted into the UW Athletic Hall of Fame, it just felt right and common ground for both of our families.  So the plan is to live there unless life throws something crazy our way, which is always a possibility!”

Until then, the Elliotts are hunkered happily in a cute and historic Philly suburb. So what’s next? Brian has one more year in his contract with the Philadelphia Flyers. When it comes to concerns with trades and contracts Amanda remains cool as a cucumber. “It’s another opportunity.  But every situation is different,” the wily veteran continues, “But I don’t think you should spend negative energy worrying about it. I’ve now gotten to the point where I don’t get restless being in one place for too long.  Probably has to do with my son. But, moves don’t really bother me. I love the adventure of being in new place and discovering the people and culture.  Finding new favorites in every city.  Because this hockey life isn’t forever.”

Friends are Families you get to Choose

Amanda speaks with an open heart and shares gratitude for the blessings she has received over the years. She has found ever-lasting friendships in some very like-minded strong independent women in the hockey-sphere. When the players and coaches are on the road, you really are on your own. You don’t travel to see your husband or partner. It’s seen more as a distraction. Rightfully so. So seeking refuge in a good girl tribe is exactly what is needed. Josefine Steen, Alanna Reaves,  and Holley Stewart are particular bonds that Amanda holds dear to her heart from her time in St. Louis.

She also raves about the Giordiano’s, the Stajans, Wideman’s, and the Brouwers when Brian was traded to Calgary. This hockey world is a community that, if done right, seeks to build one another and support each other on this journey.

“With friends, it is sad to not see each other as often, but it is a good way to find out who you really are close with, who makes the effort to stay in touch, or plans visits.  I always say, “it’s not goodbye, it’s see you later”.  That helps. ” ~A.E. 

The hardest thing by far for women in this hockey life is finding something that still makes you feel connected to yourself and your passions. Many women are able to continue on their career paths, some create new ones, some are household CEO’s-raising their families, some are philanthropists, but nevertheless, they are all on a constant search to define their existence, separate from the successes of their partners. Stagnancy is not an option for the great ones.

Give a Little Bit…Give a little bit of your love.

Even though Amanda ceased her service with the military, her commitment to service in other areas had not expired but had only just begun. “I knew that the military was only a short-term thing for me.  Diane Von Furstenberg said something like, ‘I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew the woman I wanted to become.’  That resonates with me.”   Amanda remained engaged by volunteering for 4 years with a program called GIRLS ON THE RUN, a program bringing inspiration to girls to be joyful, healthy and confident using a fun, experience-based education which creatively integrates running. Amanda also worked as Chapter Director for Flashes of Hope, an organization that takes professional photos to honor the life and memory of kids with cancer and raises funds for pediatric cancer research.

From her volunteering efforts, Amanda was inspired and motivated to become educated in the Non-Profit Sector and sought to obtain a Masters Degree in Nonprofit Management from the University of Central Florida. She successfully achieved this accomplishment in 2015.

Amanda continued with volunteering and found additional passion in Barre Method training. A barre workout is a dance-inspired class that combines ballet moves with core conditioning, yoga, Pilates, and weight training. The training process is rigorous, 20+hours a week for a minimum of 3 months; 3 written tests, and an evaluation. She asserts, “Not a weekend barre certification…they’re hardcore.  I loved it. I used to teach at the Bar Method in St Louis for 2 years. Philly just opened a studio here…I’ll always consider Bar Method my potential future side-hustle. All of these experiences have opened things up for me in deciding what I’d like to do post-hockey.”

Currently, in Philly, Amanda once again teamed up with Operation Shower. Operation Shower hosts baby showers for military families across the country. The showers are an opportunity for military families to leave the stresses of deployment at home, come together and celebrate. This is a project clearly near and dear to her heart. “I first started working with Operation Shower in St Louis.  They do baby showers nationwide but are actually based in St Louis. So I reached out to the founder and met with her, and brought the idea to the Blues for the wives and the Blues for Kids Fund to host a baby shower for moms from the nearby base. So I’m proud that I started something there that has a positive, lasting effect.  Hoping for that to be the same case in here in Philly!” Amanda gleams. Amanda just recently hosted with Operation Shower on April 4th again.

It is obvious that Amanda is a woman who believes in commitment and cause, in support of always getting back to her roots. One important factor in life…never forget where you come from. Exemplary if you ask me.

“Often times in this life you can get so wrapped up in hockey world and lose touch with the rest of the real world.  I’ve met girls in hockey who are so unhappy; they spend so much time wishing they were engaged or comparing their relationship to others, or comparing handbags, or homes, or looks…anything, and they get in this cycle of just being unhappy or feeling inadequate.  And sometimes that’s just being young.  But I think a way to break out of that cycle is to serve others.” 

The Ultimate Partnership

As a writer, mom, wife, and woman, I am blown away by the efforts, tenacity, and kindness that Amanda brings to the table. If given the choice, this is the kind of person I would be around on a daily basis. But unfortunately, geography is not on our side. Thank goodness for social media! But someone who does get to be around this woman on a daily basis (for the most part) is her husband Brian. He is very proud of her and what she has done so far. He encourages her to explore her passions and creates conversation around her ideas. She admits that he is the “ultimate partner” and a hands-on Dad. When she wanted to get her masters, he would ask questions and get to the root of how this achievement could be fulfilled. The same occurred when Amanda trained for her Barre certification and continues to occur on a regular diet in the parenting sphere.

“He’s the best listener and coach. He’s never made me feel guilty for doing things to make myself better, happier, even if it meant he would have to do a little extra work for himself or our family.  I know not every guy in hockey is supportive like that.” ~A.E.

Amanda doesn’t shy away from what is real, from what is portrayed as real, or for calling a spade a spade. But how she presents herself as a human being is awe-inspiring. She has the patience to address the reality of living in a hockey world with loving, unabashed gratitude and servitude. She admits that she doesn’t have the answers to it all but there is always a way to make it work, to make the best of what you have and to embrace it.  Amanda knows it’s not possible to have it all or be it all, but what she does know is that there is no perfect plan.

So as I tread in this new pro-hockey life, I look to people like this, who are leaders, who are authentic, inclusive, and driven, I had to ask how she makes it all work? And in all honesty, she gave the most perfect answer that I dare not to paraphrase her brilliance. Read this and then read it again, because it far surpasses anything I could write to fortify all this woman stands for. I know I said in my opening paragraph that there is no definition of what it means to be a hockey wife, “doing it right”, but may I suggest this…

“Don’t feel like you need to be or {need to} do something you’re not just because someone else defines or judges you as something else.  What makes your soul come alive? If being a mom and creating a home fulfills you, then do it as best as you can.  If want something else, go for it.  If you don’t know?  Then just try things that spark your curiosity, to meet different types of people, because you never know where it will take you.  

Another thing I think is important is to give back to your community, to the less fortunate, and to serve others.  It’s a huge part of being grateful.  It takes you out of that mindset.  It can remind you of your blessings, but it is also just a great way to feel good. When you want to cheer yourself up, try cheering up someone else’s day and see how it makes you feel.  It’s a win-win.” ~A.E.

And with that, I will close this article but forecast that this does not close the story of Amanda Elliott. Live authentically. Treat people nicely and with care. Love is hard, so love harder. Find what ignites you whether it will be in people, in action, or in thought…but today, and for the months previously that I questioned whether or not I am justly giving you the props you so righteously deserve…I publish this article in honor of you restoring faith in the female spirit. Specifically mine. Thank you my friend.

“…People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou.